July 13, 2012 – Upon a Mid-Night Awakening

13 July 2012 2am upon a mid-night awakening

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray in dreams my soul will keep
And if I die before I wake
I pray my dreams will forever take
Me to nowhere land

Where never before
Have dreams come true
What is truly nonsense
Feels like nothing new

Where everything that ever was
Will stay that way
And foggy days seem
just yesterday

That sinking feeling falling
Freely backwards heels overhead
Oblivion a twitch too close
Reality a hair too real

Fend off the predators
Fall madly in love
Make the unlikeliest of friends
Or all of the above

Such that it can’t be true
I would never believe you.

Just synchronization
Of day and night
Dear, it is alright
Dear, it is all right.

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June 29, 2012 – Poisonous Sleep

6:00am

Now what? Awake again, another crazy dream, another gray morning. And reality is just so much paler than the conjurations of the overnighting mind. To be released finally: a relief. The hangover: a reality. I feel like shit, as if the sleep had poisoned my blood, leaded vapors permeating my precious blood brain barrier.

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June 24, 2012 – The Quickening

3:15am

The storm outside has passed and so has the one in my head. The lightning, gone. Blissful awakening, pain free. Revelatory dreams, had. Peace, acquired. It is the witching hour, and so the dawn chorus begins again.

My heart quickens, I will meet you soon. I feel when you are awake, I know when you’re in love. I don’t know you but you know me, so intimately that it terrifies me. Who are we, one, or two? Where do we go from here, this me and you? Our bloods intertwine, my every breath gives you life, and I am stunned every time you touch me. You are funny looking but your heart is beautiful and I can’t wait to meet you and look deep into your eyes and see your soul and suddenly i will be compelled to tell you exactly what I think of you. Goodnight, my love, for now we sleep. Together. Tonight. Not for long, but for now.

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June 17, 2012 – A Dream of Clarity

6:30 am

A dream of clarity
I value art and perspective and respect strength in creation
Art will be with me wherever I go, the lover I hate but always I go back for more
I fear indifference more than fear or hatred
I feel loved and want you to feel love too
Let’s walk together and talk together and drive in cars without drivers
Let’s see the world for what it is, the neighbourhood of our creation
Let’s remember the things that make us good and put the rest to rest
Let’s fly a little and imagine more and more I will understand.
Let’s smoke and walk and drink and talk and feel what ought to be felt
For the time draws near when no more will appear
And then I will be old
And forget
And you will have to remind me
You will have to hold my hand
And tell me why you love me.

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March 6, 2012 – Tangled Daydreams

Guess I was bored in class today.

March 6, 2012 | I want it to be spring.

March 6, 2012 | I want it to be spring.

March 6, 2012 | Tangled Daydreams

March 6, 2012 | Tangled Daydreams

Actually more like stressed out to distraction, and imagining things.

My sternum has been very tight of late.

Feb 19, 2012 – Womanism is Confusing and Traumatic

Womanism is confusing and traumatic.

In this quest to decrease the incidence of migraine, I am now off hormonal birth control.

Ovulation was weird.
Retaining water is weird.
Now I am super hungry and unable to stick to my diet.

Woke up with a vague fuzzy head/neck ache today.

Dreamt like crazy: at a random stuff exchange, I traded for a personal rain machine, which was voted the most useless invention of the year but one I thought was pretty awesome. When was the last time you really enjoyed a good drenching cold rain? I never do, but in this dream I did. I really did. I destroyed other people’s electronics, flooded every room I was in, and had a grand old time.

Couldn’t get out of bed till 11am.

It didn’t go away and just got worse.
Finally decided to cut it with 2XS Advil in the afternoon.
This time it worked. Thank goodness.

My limbs feel so heavy like they’re about to fall off.

And the whole super emotionally sensitive crying at stuff thing is starting.

Do What You Love, Love What You Do.

Steves in general are extraordinary. Steve Jobs was no exception. Why be ordinary? Change the world. Rest in peace.

Of course, the video of Steve Job’s speech at a Stanford commencement in 2005 was everywhere today, and as I had forgotten what he said, I watched it again just now. It hit me. Apparently it had also hit me when I had first watched it some time ago, because I can see how it has changed me since then:

I’m convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You’ve got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. And don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it. And like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking. Don’t settle.

This past week, a good friend and I visited Raw Canvas in Yaletown to chat and paint. Twice. On Monday September 26th, and a week later, Monday October 3rd. Not knowing why, I felt like I needed to paint “Do What You Love, Love What You Do.”

Do What You Love, Love What You Do.

Do What You Love, Love What You Do.

I still don’t know why.

But I know that these words and this painting resonated in my heart before, during, and after its painting.

Rest in peace, Steve. You’ve changed the world in this life, and you’ve changed me.

—–

On a sillier note, today, I really identify with Sirius Cybernetics Corporation’s Happy Vertical People Transporters with Defocused Temporal Perception… ie. the ability to see dimly (very dimly) into the future. When people around me get close to dying, I get very tired and heavy. I have to sleep. I hit the bed mid-day, have to sleep for a long time, and usually receive sad news soon after I wake up. Maybe it’s because I happen to take mid-day naps more than the average person, but really, it’s starting to get to be a trend. I know, correlation, not causation. But it’s happened about 4 times this year already.

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