Ah, my darling.

Ah my darling girl. 10.5 months old now.

I fell asleep for a few minutes on the loveseat this afternoon because the girl had been up and down all night and nursing and kicking and crying and generally being VERY awake when i did not want to be and then I had woken up with a migraine (4th in last 7 days!!!) and was not in good shape at all, emotionally, or physically.

She was surprisingly quiet, after a full day of being very whiny at everything, which is why I dozed off. I assumed she was into her toys on the living room floor right beside me.

I woke up when my husband got home from his football game. He asked if she had gotten into the paper because there were bits all over her. I said yes, she knocked over the (unplugged!) paper shredder this morning in the office but I cleaned up most of it.

Then I sat up, and commenced laughing. A good full belly laugh. And then baby E laughed back at me. And then we laughed at each other, each making the other laugh harder.

Yes, she had gotten into the paper, and then she had gotten the paper out.

Two full boxes of kleenex had been gutted in the snowstorm.

June 29, 2012 – Poisonous Sleep

6:00am

Now what? Awake again, another crazy dream, another gray morning. And reality is just so much paler than the conjurations of the overnighting mind. To be released finally: a relief. The hangover: a reality. I feel like shit, as if the sleep had poisoned my blood, leaded vapors permeating my precious blood brain barrier.

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June 24, 2012 – The Quickening

3:15am

The storm outside has passed and so has the one in my head. The lightning, gone. Blissful awakening, pain free. Revelatory dreams, had. Peace, acquired. It is the witching hour, and so the dawn chorus begins again.

My heart quickens, I will meet you soon. I feel when you are awake, I know when you’re in love. I don’t know you but you know me, so intimately that it terrifies me. Who are we, one, or two? Where do we go from here, this me and you? Our bloods intertwine, my every breath gives you life, and I am stunned every time you touch me. You are funny looking but your heart is beautiful and I can’t wait to meet you and look deep into your eyes and see your soul and suddenly i will be compelled to tell you exactly what I think of you. Goodnight, my love, for now we sleep. Together. Tonight. Not for long, but for now.

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June 20, 2012 – Where Have You Gone?

5:00am

Where have you gone?

I looked and you weren’t there. My dark side, my other self. There’s a gaping hole where you once were but there is no wound, just more like an empty socket. Like you just crumbled into dust one day and suddenly fell away. And in its place a sudden wellspring of love and positivity that just keeps bubbling all hours of the day and night. I see everyone for their best intentions, I see the good in everyone. Unencumbered by stress, sadness, anger, despair, resentment, pain… That’s also true. Suddenly i am pain free. Perhaps that is part of the miracle I don’t understand. Happy. All the time. Like a shift in equilibrium. The thermostat’s at a different setting. Not ruffled by much. The only tears I’ve shed in recent memory are those of happiness or upon encountering beautiful tragedy.

So this is what it’s like to be happy. it’s so new and unfamiliar and I hope the feeling lasts forever.

I want the best for you and you and you and even if I don’t really like you I want you to be genuinely happy

I don’t understand what’s going on but I’m here for the ride. Life, take me where you may.

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March 15, 2012 – More Trapezery

March 15, 2012 | Trapeze Hands

March 15, 2012 | Trapeze Hands

Thus ends another thursday. Another headache, another awesome trapeze day. I don’t know what it is about thursdays that causes migraines! It hit me during my IAT 380 Sound design lecture in the middle of our quiz. And suddenly I couldn’t think. Oh well. Managed to slip out of class to go get my trusty advil, then squinted at the overhead projector while pushing on my left brow ridge to numb the sting, and by the time it was time to leave for trapeze, it had dulled down to a manageable level.

Yes, that photo is of my trapeze hands. Today was the first day I had blisters pop! And more than one, too! Yummy. (eew.) And I don’t really know how to tape up my hands, so this is how they ended up. Worked okay for the most part. The edges roll up and get sticky but it wasn’t too bad.

GODDAMNED KNEE HANG on swinging trapeze. It’s supposed to be like the easiest thing ever but yet i screw it up every week. this week i fell straight into an ankle hang instead. ha.

anyway, sleep. sleep. sleep. now. i want dark, dreamless, quiet, sleep. Which has been hard to come by lately. Some terrific and very wild dreams, but I get so much adventuring done during the night that I wake up exhausted. Perhaps tonight will be the night I won’t dream at all.

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