15 Nov 2011
by beverly
in Doing Good, Mental Diarrhea, Personal, Uncategorized
Really, what do we all do but muddle through life to the best of our abilities? Here and there we pick up something new – a pine cone, a new skill, a shiny bit of ribbon, a half-cobbled together something we can use, and we try to make that a part of us, so we can be a little bit better, and do more cool things.
How can I use this crumpled bit of tin? Oh hey! I can do _______ with it – that’s neat!
You need to do _________ ? Well, I can help you do ____ and _____ and ______ … not perfect, but sort of!
Yes I have a _________ … do you need it?
But it’s not perfect. There’s only so much I’ve acquired, only so much I can do with what I have. I try to do as much as I can, but the resources are asked to do more than they’re supposed to know how. Overclocked. Off-label. Which is pretty cool. But not perfect.
So when I make mistakes, forget, screw up, disappoint, forget…
Forgive me.
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13 Jan 2011
by beverly
in Being a Woman, Mental Diarrhea, Personal
Blogging’s so great for remembering just how you felt during those times that you’ve since tried very very hard to erase, delete from memory. So incredibly fucking depressing. Such a great way to bring back all the incredibly vivid memories, in dated detail of chaos and pain, the where/when/why and more than anything, the I DON’T KNOW WHY what the hell is going on times, or the blessed instances of divine inspiration, only to look back and read the mad ramblings of a _______________ .
Delete.
Delete. Delete.
Delete. Delete. Delete.
But no, I am not going to delete.
I am going to see how I’ve changed. I’ve grown.
I sound different. I am different. I am not who I used to be.
And then there are the silver lining moments in the darkness.
And then there are days of great learning.
And then there are records of great personal accomplishments.
There is no past, because I choose not to remember it.
There may not be a future, because I don’t know if I will live to see tomorrow.
There is only today. I will live today in a way that, should I see tomorrow, will make it all that much better.
More obstacles?
More challenges?
More opportunity to practice challenging those obstacles.
Perfect takes practice.
And today, I will practice.
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26 Oct 2009
by beverly
in art, Mental Diarrhea, music, News, Sounds like Poetry
Tags: art, fear, music, poetry
I’m Afraid
I’m afraid that it’ll be cliche
I’m afraid that it won’t be art
Maybe i’ll never be
The centre of controversy
Public enemy number one on the hit list
Something remiss? The look in your eye says
You’ll never be the first in line to buy
Because it’s just not good enough to be
Art, I’m afraid…that it’ll be cliche.
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26 Jun 2009
by beverly
in Dreams, Health and Healthy Living, Mental Diarrhea, News, Personal, Simon Fraser University, Tech The Crazy, Web Design and Web Related
I declared last Sunday, on Facebook, that I would be going on Facebook hiatus. I didn’t say for how long, but in my mind, I’d be quitting FB and Twitter cold turkey for one week. I am 5 days into this experiment. I find myself resisting that URL address bar like an unsmoked half pack in the back upper corner of my closet, kept for emergency use only. Nagging at my mind every couple minutes. But mind you, I don’t smoke. Never have. I know my addictive personality well enough to not bother trying. Just thought it was an appropriate simile for habit breaking. But I haven’t faltered yet. Those links are everywhere, though. EVERYONE trying to be someone is on Twitter, to the point of ridiculosity. Well, not really…just businesses, oddly enough. CKNW, CNN, BBC Science, BBC Health, Daily Planet…(my personal favourites) …and there was that one week where everyone hopped the bandwagon at the same time. T’was an odd week.
But I couldn’t have picked a more interesting week to go FB/Twit free. I just couldn’t break the habit of thinking that my thoughts all needed to be expressed and thrown into some intangible online world, that, excepting global nuclear meltdown circumstances coinciding with the time of my death, will exist beyond me, providing that inactive accounts don’t get deleted after a certain period of time, and there isn’t a massive server crash affecting all the backup copies of my accounts…etc. SO…I took to writing down all my thoughts on index cards. GOD do I love index cards. For some reason of kinaesthetic x visual learning it works for me. And here are some of the thoughts that rampaged through a manic mind going through withdrawl. Actually, happily, this week seemed like one of those rare weeks that I wasn’t overly manic or depressive. Actually, no. I take that back. I may have thrown a temper tantrum on monday. But after that things seemed to clear up, mood wise. Hopefully it lasts a little longer this time.
From the index cards:
June 23 1700h: Fascinating that so many things – economic phenomena etc. can be described/explained by little lines on a graph. Really cool.
June 24 10ooh: How the hell did I injure my knee? Left inside tendon/ligament thingy sore upon awakening. Did I sleepwalk?
1110h: There are a lot of funny looking asian men in ECON103.
1230h: I really enjoy talking to professors in office hours.
1345h: Correction: I enjoy talking to ungrumpy professors in office hours.
1400h: For every short and cute asian woman that exists, there exists an equally short, not-so-cute-asian man.
1415h: When you can’t figure me out: The secret to women is that we say things we don’t mean and we mean things we don’t say. But not all the time.
1415h: Today I feel very happy and calm and content.
1710h: I am quite possibly…floored. On gradebook, if “MT” stands for midterm, I just got 34/34, i.e. 100%. WTF?! In CMPT120! And so far I have 100% in the course! This has Never Happened Before. Not even close. Never.
1734h: Just discovered my flash animations don’t work on the CSIL computers. Not pleased.
1756h: The secret to not being frustrated and irritated all the time…getting laid.
June 25 1000h: Farrah Fawcett died. Cancer. Brings out my fears. And Jon and Kate Gosselin are divorcing. Not that that matters to anyone except their kids. I hope deep inside that all people who die are at peace. I hope the suicide bombers and war criminals, and serial killers given the death penalty are all at peace. I hope the man who believes he will be rewarded with 72 virgins in the afterlife gets just that. If that’s the best thing he had going for him, I really hope he gets it.
1315h: I just get so fucking agitated at jerks like the guy who made a left turn from behind me while I was halfway across the street during my pedestrian walk light who then told me to look for traffic. It’s my walk sign, fucker! Concentrate on your own fucking half baked fucking driving, idiot!
1350h: playing piano really gets me unagitated. New “easy piano” piece yeah that disney song “A whole new world” from Aladdin. Love it and it’s just so beautiful and takes me away to a different time and place and imaginary life. Need to get a piano of my own so i can stop renting rehearsal space.
1425h: Low F + high GAC chord. Quite a nice way to end a song.
1700h: I had a breakthrough at singing class today. Lowered larynx + space + focus. Singing the exercise “Me-lia”. Letting go. Throwing it away. Fuck yeah. And going to McD’s inbetween rehearsing and class and thinking to enjoy fully and be present doing anything because it might be the last time I do that thing – gosh Steve cried last week when he ate a chicken nugget, having not had one for so long, and thinking that it might be his last. So I went and bought chicken nuggets today to remind myself to live. I couldn’t bring him any, though because he’s fasting, preparing for his colonoscopy tomorrow. And then I came home to find that Michael Jackson had died. What a day. What a week to choose to be facebook & Twitter free.
June 26 1117h: Watched Confessions of a Shopaholic and it wasn’t good. I am disappointed because I had been looking foward to that one for quite some time. Movies and people that try too hard to be funny are rarely really funny. The Make More Money scene ended up on the cutting room floor. All the essential bits of the story that made it a charming and funny story got cut out of the script. Nobody is sympathetic towards a woman who spends too much money (GUILTY!), but somehow the book made you identify so strongly with the protagonist, and the movie just did not succeed. Director needs lessons in directing comedy.
1440h: Been at Burnaby General Hospital since 1230. Steve’s colonoscopy today. yay. One year since we’ve been here for one the last time and we’re still where we began. Not pleased. Hopefully some answers.
1700h: +1 Medication for Steve. Prednisone. At least it’s cheap. + Humira starting ~2 weeks pending all clear from upcoming “urgent” MRI. Apparently the colonoscopy looked very different from last time. Some serious side fx on prednisone i hear. fuck.
1745h: Found out Lorena Gale (Priestess Elosha on BSG) passed away on June 21st. Shocked and saddened. Cancer. Found out Google, Twitter and Wikipedia etc crashed yesterday from too much traffic/too many edits. Again, I re-iterate. What a week to be Twitter and Facebook free.
1800h: Realized that I have this lifelong pattern of disillusionment with stuff. Note to self: write blog entry about disillusionment.
2143h: Made myself a little jar with little 1/8 index card chips inside with things to do when I don’t know what to do. Will pick one each time I find myself not knowing what to do and be just one minute more productive. Each task can be completed within one minute. I like this jar already. Note to self: write blog entry about this jar.
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28 Jan 2008
by beverly
in Mental Diarrhea
freeze. you, no me.
there is no way out of here,
not even if you try. really really hard,
and let your mind wander way down
floating in neutral buoyancy all the
way down down down till you gently hit
bottom because of the extra rocks you sewed into the
pockets of your calico dress.
leave not the wheels of freedom turning
they will turn not churn for as long as
their metallic springs allow until it
kicks
and kinks
and catches
a knot
a hairball
an anything at all
that it doesn’t like and then it will
complain to no end i forgot!
It makes me mad you know!
Just some things that don’t
happen
like they should and then one gets hung up
on them it’s not a good thing
to happen
it happens
it happens
and then one day it all stops.
and then it’s boring after that so maybe i’ll just enjoy the anger while it lasts.
no more alcohol for me it just
makes me angry
and moody
and generally yucky to be around
a few hours later. feed me celery.
i don’t like celery.
work on your verbal diarrhea until
you know what you are all about
is the lesson i learned that day. and that i don’t know as much as
i think
i know.
and you know way less than YOU think you know.
what a pain sometimes.
growing old before your age says you’re old
that is really really unfortunate
but no one is
perfect
and the more wrinkles you have
the more interesting you look.
I like wrinkles.
Wrinkles and smiles go very well together.
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