June 25, 2012 – Leaving Her Behind

5:30 am

Someone asked me this weekend whether it’s harder to get into character or get out of it. I said into. But now that it’s over, definitely out of. Fuck, she just doesn’t want to die. She’s afraid of dying. So afraid. Her short life keeps flashing before my eyes, making me relive every wonderful moment with painful clarity. I’ll miss her so much.

20120625-100749.jpg

June 24, 2012 – The Quickening

3:15am

The storm outside has passed and so has the one in my head. The lightning, gone. Blissful awakening, pain free. Revelatory dreams, had. Peace, acquired. It is the witching hour, and so the dawn chorus begins again.

My heart quickens, I will meet you soon. I feel when you are awake, I know when you’re in love. I don’t know you but you know me, so intimately that it terrifies me. Who are we, one, or two? Where do we go from here, this me and you? Our bloods intertwine, my every breath gives you life, and I am stunned every time you touch me. You are funny looking but your heart is beautiful and I can’t wait to meet you and look deep into your eyes and see your soul and suddenly i will be compelled to tell you exactly what I think of you. Goodnight, my love, for now we sleep. Together. Tonight. Not for long, but for now.

20120625-102309.jpg

June 20, 2012 – Where Have You Gone?

5:00am

Where have you gone?

I looked and you weren’t there. My dark side, my other self. There’s a gaping hole where you once were but there is no wound, just more like an empty socket. Like you just crumbled into dust one day and suddenly fell away. And in its place a sudden wellspring of love and positivity that just keeps bubbling all hours of the day and night. I see everyone for their best intentions, I see the good in everyone. Unencumbered by stress, sadness, anger, despair, resentment, pain… That’s also true. Suddenly i am pain free. Perhaps that is part of the miracle I don’t understand. Happy. All the time. Like a shift in equilibrium. The thermostat’s at a different setting. Not ruffled by much. The only tears I’ve shed in recent memory are those of happiness or upon encountering beautiful tragedy.

So this is what it’s like to be happy. it’s so new and unfamiliar and I hope the feeling lasts forever.

I want the best for you and you and you and even if I don’t really like you I want you to be genuinely happy

I don’t understand what’s going on but I’m here for the ride. Life, take me where you may.

20120625-101843.jpg

June 17, 2012 – A Dream of Clarity

6:30 am

A dream of clarity
I value art and perspective and respect strength in creation
Art will be with me wherever I go, the lover I hate but always I go back for more
I fear indifference more than fear or hatred
I feel loved and want you to feel love too
Let’s walk together and talk together and drive in cars without drivers
Let’s see the world for what it is, the neighbourhood of our creation
Let’s remember the things that make us good and put the rest to rest
Let’s fly a little and imagine more and more I will understand.
Let’s smoke and walk and drink and talk and feel what ought to be felt
For the time draws near when no more will appear
And then I will be old
And forget
And you will have to remind me
You will have to hold my hand
And tell me why you love me.

20120625-101422.jpg

February 14, 2012 – Valentine’s Day

A decidedly unmushy day:

Feb 14, 2012 - Bound and Gagged - Bonus points if you know what PLU #4080 is

Feb 14, 2012 - Bound and Gagged - Bonus points if you know what PLU #4080 is

Feb 14, 2012 - Care package from Mom sent with Dad who flew in to YVR today

Feb 14, 2012 - Care package from Mom sent with Dad who flew in to YVR today

Feb 14, 2012 - Lobster Congee at Kalok Restaurant in Richmond

Feb 14, 2012 - Lobster Congee at Kalok Restaurant in Richmond

Feb 14, 2012 - Guess what these are? Duck Tongues.

Feb 14, 2012 - Guess what these are? Duck Tongues.

Feb 14, 2012 - Dad with the 86 Tercel. He bought this car a few months before I was born.

Feb 14, 2012 - Dad with the 86 Tercel. He bought this car a few months before I was born.

Feb 14, 2012 - Air Care Fail - Emissions were fine but the gas cap failed

Feb 14, 2012 - Air Care Fail - Emissions were fine but the gas cap failed

Feb 14, 2012 - Important Drinks To Keep in One's Locker: Hydration, Fuel, Emergency Fuel

Feb 14, 2012 - Important Drinks To Keep in One's Locker: Hydration, Fuel, Emergency Fuel

Feb 14, 2012 - dear charities, please stop fucking wasting the money we give you. 1 week. 200 mailing labels

Feb 14, 2012 - dear charities, please stop fucking wasting the money we give you. 1 week. 200 mailing labels

Sensory Teleportation

Some songs just burn a memory into your mind. Three seconds in, you’re back. Completely transported. Standing still. Eyes closed. The air, the smell, the lighting, the mood, your age, the breeze in the room. The people. The sound. The real world evaporates. Suddenly lucid.

My living room was glowing when I arrived home this afternoon.

These are the strongest, most visceral:

Lucille Has Messed My Mind Up – Frank Zappa, Joe’s Garage
Preparing This is Our Youth by Kenneth Lonergan. Once for scene study in 2007, once doing tech side for Havana Theatre production in 2008. Couldn’t find it on iTunes (still not on there!), had to buy it off some sketchy Russian music download site. This song in particular out of all the songs I have, is something special.

Painter Song – Norah Jones, Come Away with Me
Lights off, white icicle christmas lights on. My room. Just the coziest, glowiest situation ever. One of my last distinct bedroom memories before moving out of my parents’ house. Painting flowers on the wall. Betta named Opus in a little tank. Freshly plucked lavender on a sill. Green windowshade.

Hit ‘Em Up Style – Blu Cantrell, So Blu
High school. Volleyball trip to the island. A 15 passenger van and a chauffeur who swung the steering wheel to the beat whilst driving on the freeway. Scared the hell out of me but oh what fun.

Soft Light – David Darling, 8 String Religion
VFS days. Warm up. Movement. Freedom. Breath. Blackness. Warmth. Touch.

One of the Brightest Stars – James Blunt, All the Lost Souls
Broughton Street Apartment 2007, downtown vancouver, every detail of my little piece of cheap rent shithole independent paradise. The light of the late summer afternoon. The breeze, the birds. The cats. The sound of my mirrored closet doors. The dark. The drunkenness. The insomnia. The fire (yes, real fire). The taste of lychee. The sensitive plant on the windowsill. All my books.

Muddling Through Life.

Really, what do we all do but muddle through life to the best of our abilities? Here and there we pick up something new – a pine cone, a new skill, a shiny bit of ribbon, a half-cobbled together something we can use, and we try to make that a part of us, so we can be a little bit better, and do more cool things.

How can I use this crumpled bit of tin? Oh hey! I can do _______ with it – that’s neat!

You need to do _________ ? Well, I can help you do ____ and _____ and ______ … not perfect, but sort of!

Yes I have a _________ … do you need it?

But it’s not perfect. There’s only so much I’ve acquired, only so much I can do with what I have. I try to do as much as I can, but the resources are asked to do more than they’re supposed to know how. Overclocked. Off-label. Which is pretty cool. But not perfect.

So when I make mistakes, forget, screw up, disappoint, forget…

Forgive me.

Previous Older Entries

%d bloggers like this: