This sentence was in my syntax textbook. It sounds wonderful.
05 Nov 2013 Leave a Comment
This sentence was in my syntax textbook. It sounds wonderful.
02 Nov 2013 Leave a Comment
I put the kid to sleep at around 8:30pm last night.
We’re working on the whole putting her down while still awake thing.
This involves some crying.
So what I’ve been doing the past few days is sitting in the crib with her, doing the bedtime breastfeed, then putting down, and if she gets up, putting her down again.
She inevitably gets too upset, so then I pick her up and cuddle a bit more, sing her some songs, tell her a story, give her a stuffed bunny to hug, and repeat, sans the breastfeeding part.
Eventually she gets nice and sleepy and relaxed, and stays down, with a bit of whimpering and kicking, and with baby beluga until I’m blue in the face, she goes to sleep. I exit the crib when she’s falling asleep.
It’s getting better. I think it took less than an hour to get her down last night. Also, she’s really taken to the stuffed bunny. She’s old enough and mobile enough (!!!) now that I don’t worry about the extra thing in her crib being a suffocation hazard.
I decided to screw it all (the hours of schoolwork needing to be done) and just go to bed, myself, as well, because if anything, the first time she goes down, she stays down the longest, and not having had a proper sleep in forever, I thought it a reasonable idea.
Holy crap she stayed down from 8:30 ish until 4:30 this morning. My clock was unplugged for whatever reason, so I have no idea when she finally went down, but assuming 9pm at the latest, that’s 7+ hours in one stretch!
That’s no small feat for a tiny child who hasn’t slept through the night since before she started popping teeth (7 months) and before starting daycare (9 months) and catching illnesses non-stop since starting daycare (she’s on her 6th cold-like illness since august, poor thing) all which have been SEVERELY impacting her sleep patterns and habits (waking up 4-8 times a night etc).
Also cause for celebration for the momma (actually, the poppa too!) who hasn’t had a solid 7 hour sleep since before the kid started teething. And major insomnia during those precious few months when the kid WAS sleeping through the night!
Then at 4:30 this morning, the human alarm clock woke up the momma for a breast feed. BUT I was able to put her back down in the crib afterwards with no fuss for another 3 hour stretch. HUZZAH. HUZZAH.
However, at the 4:30 mark, I woke up with horrible sore neck and congestion and the beginnings of a migraine. Which was a horrible way to kill the buzz of discovering the whole 7 hour sleep thing that had just happened. I was on a roll, too. 5 days this week with no headache. Also went for my second massage therapy appointment in 2 weeks (this thursday and last thursday) where the therapist worked mostly on neck and shoulders.
So when I finally got up this morning, I did all I could to try to not have this day be a total write off. I don’t think the sleep was really awesome either, because I can still remember the long and very detailed dreams I had upon waking up at 4:30 and 7:30.
- Took a long and very hot shower to loosen up all the congestion and stiff neck muscles. Definitely helped.
- Took a new NSAID medication prescribed by the doc after the last intense 2 week spell of migraine misery. Cambia. Powdered diclofenac that tastes like liquorice toothpaste that you mix with 2 oz of water and knock back. Blech.
- Caffeinated (am about a 1/4 through a Monster energy drink…so about 40mg of caffeine so far. Not much. But caffeine is supposed to help so yeah, energy drink as medication…)
I feel pretty pain-free now, so that’s good. All that remains is a weird floppy head-too heavy for neck feeling and some residual soreness in neck muscles. But my brain is mostly pain-free except for a dull throb here and there, which is the important part that says the Cambia is working! Unfortunately, I think Cambia is quite expensive. Fortunately, I have Pharmacare and extended health coverage.
Anyway, back to the sleep issue…here’s where we are at with sleep:
- Daycare: 2 naps per day. They are now able to put her down without fuss, and she goes to sleep clutching a stuffed dog. This took work on their part…a lot of work. Rocking her to sleep, some crying, a lot of one-on-one attention, but they have been very consistent and have
- Home naps: either I or Steve will put her down. Steve is much more tolerant of cry-it-out than I am. She goes to sleep eventually after crying. Today she fell asleep using bunny as a pillow. Very cute.
- Night time: Steve will dance around with her to Chopin until she falls into a dead sleep on his shoulder. I do the crib thing mentioned above. Cry it out or variants thereof don’t seem to work at night time. I think there’s something very scary about going to sleep alone, which I can fully understand. So I think I’ll keep working with the in-crib thing until she’s more comfortable with going down with less help. It’s very encouraging that she’s been okay with returning to her crib after a night feed too, recently. For a while she was NOT OKAY with that, and nothing would do except be snuggled next to me in bed, attached to my boob. That was NOT OKAY with me, because I wasn’t getting sleep.
Anyhow, raising this kid is definitely interesting, and I ultimately am very happy and grateful to have this as part of my human experience. Living with chronic pain, too, is an experience. It quickly interferes with one’s will to live, but it does make me more grateful for the pain-free days. Pain-free days where my thinking is sharp and unclouded… feel like christmas gifts.
29 Oct 2013 1 Comment
Day two of waking up pain free!
Except I feel like the world has flown forward two weeks and I’m in the dust wake that has already settled so really I’m just covered in dust, hungry, and lost in the wilderness.
This follows probably one of the most miserable fortnights of my life with daily headaches, both tension and migraine.
Forget even trying to climb the slippery mountains of looseleaf paper that make up my day persona – relatively smart, capable person in grad school – I haven’t been able to see/think out of my haze long enough to approximate the location of a foothold.
So here I am, as I said, lost in the wilderness. With mountains of paper surrounding me. Where do I begin? How do I begin to make meaning of all the things that should be important?
And how in the hell am I supposed to hand in two semi-coherent papers at the end of next month?
27 Oct 2013 Leave a Comment
What do you do when you have an unshakable feeling of bad? The kind that just grips you and interferes with your breathing?
I can’t shake it. I can sometimes distract myself so that my mind isn’t consumed by it, but then I have to stay so busy that my mind won’t have time to think about it.
Just can’t shake it.
26 Oct 2013 Leave a Comment
I was invigilating an exam yesterday, and in the tedium that inevitably happens around minute 35, where the stripes on the walls blend with the students in their seats and everybody starts going a little melty, I had the following thought:
Today sucks. What a depressing meeting this morning. How depressing that ________ isn’t working and I have to go back and re-do all of it and WHY does my head hurt all the time and if only I could sleep at night, if only E would sleep at night. and yes there are two hundred and eighty six students writing this exam two hundred and eighty six LIVES, and schedules, and worries and cares and joys and worst days of their lives and WHOA maybe what if all of them are having bad days right now
And suddenly, the imaginary furious brain chatter of all these two hundred and eighty six students students writing exams flooded through me. Their schedules flew in arcs over their heads and this dense cloud rose up over them okay I have to be here at 2:30 what kind of stupid exam question is this? Hashtag #STFU i don’t know what this word means why didn’t I study harder I studied forever and still i don’t know this I’m a failure at life my boyfriend is a douche i have to pee i am soooo hungry that okay focus is it a b or d it’s definitely not e should i don’t want to stay for lecture after class i don’t care anymore i just want to get this exam over with such a nice day outside why am i stuck in here i forgot to bring an eraser fuck my life and the collective energy was truly formidable.
I mean, obviously I was projecting, because obviously I can’t read minds.
But just imagining the enormous amount of data that is produced each day by a room full of three hundred people was overwhelming. I had to shut off the spigot.
It made me feel better though, because my worries, though important to me, didn’t really matter to any other person in that room. My worries were just one three hundredth of the worries in that room.
Just like ants, we go about our silly business, each so wrapped up with getting to the X on time.
But we’re in it together, really.
20 Oct 2013 Leave a Comment
Ah my darling girl. 10.5 months old now.
I fell asleep for a few minutes on the loveseat this afternoon because the girl had been up and down all night and nursing and kicking and crying and generally being VERY awake when i did not want to be and then I had woken up with a migraine (4th in last 7 days!!!) and was not in good shape at all, emotionally, or physically.
She was surprisingly quiet, after a full day of being very whiny at everything, which is why I dozed off. I assumed she was into her toys on the living room floor right beside me.
I woke up when my husband got home from his football game. He asked if she had gotten into the paper because there were bits all over her. I said yes, she knocked over the (unplugged!) paper shredder this morning in the office but I cleaned up most of it.
Then I sat up, and commenced laughing. A good full belly laugh. And then baby E laughed back at me. And then we laughed at each other, each making the other laugh harder.
Yes, she had gotten into the paper, and then she had gotten the paper out.
Two full boxes of kleenex had been gutted in the snowstorm.
28 Sep 2013 Leave a Comment
I’m over at http://www.sfu.ca/~beverlyw for the next while. Researching things, learning things, and taking care of business.
September’s been rough. Starting grad school went something like this:
Get kid into daycare
Get kid adjusted to daycare
baby better. workwork WORK work
work work work workwork
And we’re not even done with September. I blame daycare. Inevitable, what with snotty children who have to slobber and chew each other’s toys, but still, a royal pain in this well educated commoner’s behind. What have I done? Overcommitted, like I always manage to do. 8+ hours in the lab per week, marking for 2 classes, and taking 2 classes. breastfeeding during my lunch break. come home. cook dinner. make lunch. It all barely works if I and the machine are operating at top speed, but if September is any indication of how it’s going to be moving forward, the wheels may come flying off in spectacular fashion at some point…which just means that I’ll have to learn how to fly. Which would be awesome.
But really, I revel in the opportunity. This first world, amazing opportunity to learn to thrive within this particular set of conditions and constraints. Life is not tough, it’s just too much awesome to fit. I love having the child and the home and the husband. Not so good at parenting, but good parents are made, children are born. Not much mothering instinct in me. But I much rather this than 10 years from now fretting about the sand in my biological egg timer sifting away and not having had my first child yet.
Sadness, difficulty, it’s all part of my human experience, and I am grateful for all of it.
I say the above in part because I just found out a couple of hours ago that my grandmother has cancer, and I’m really not sure how to deal with that information at present, so 42.
What do you think, dear reader? Shall I do some work now? because sleep is just not something I feel like doing as a matter of volitional action right now or blinking actually for that matter sigh
the beginnings of life are so much more generous than the end and i just find that really difficult to come to terms with.
Baby E is 10 months now and such a little rascal. Definite mischief up every sleeve and the slyest smile you ever saw. She can crawl, pull up, cruise, stand for bits, babble with sentence-like intonation, and is starting to point at things and shake her head side to side. And when she laughs, it’s like a bubbling pool of golden light water that when partaken of, washes away all one’s worries with pure joy.
life is beautiful.