Why I am REALLY looking forward to @Soylent.

Don’t judge.

There are some days where my nutrition is absolutely deplorable, and more guilt piles on my head as a breastfeeding mom. Tsk tsk.

It is the end of my first semester of grad school. Syntax paper is quite a bit less than finished and due in T-minus one week. Child is still sick, and has been sick for over a week. Self sick. Child feeds several times throughout the night. Opted for sleep instead of work last night. Not regretting it. Manage to send husband and child to their respective day job and day care with homemade lunches and some semblance of breakfast in their tummies.

I on the other hand, neglected to eat breakfast before leaving the house. Nor did I bring breakfast or lunch with me to school. Recipe for disaster.

Enter Monster energy drink. $2, 210 calories, 54 grams of sugar. That’s healthy, right?

1pm. Go and feed the baby at daycare. I’m now really hungry. But I HATE (I really do hate) spending money on take out food. It’s crap that makes me feel like crap. Plus, it’s snowing and I don’t want to walk any farther than to campus daycare and back to my office.

Try to decide what my options are for under $4. Preferably even cheaper. Decide on a bowl of instant noodles from the campus convenience store.

$3, 490 calories, 17g fat, 2000mg sodium. Boy am I #winning or what?

Now I’ve spent $5 on food today, am poorly nourished, am as salty as a ham, and feel terrible to boot.

I’m really looking forward to a proper dinner.

My husband and I have been together for almost 10 years, and 99% of those days, he has had Vector meal replacement cereal for breakfast (and some lunches and dinners, on those kind of days…oh yeah, forgot to mention it’s a Canadian thing). He mentions once every couple months that his life would be so much less stressful if he never had to eat again.

So soylent. I was really excited when Rob Rhinehart blogged How I stopped eating food earlier this year.

At the time, Rhinehart was asking for beta testers. My virtual hand shot up, pick me pick me! but then I found out the ingredients included whey (husband is milk protein allergic, so that was a no go) and then I was breastfeeding so as an experimental subject I would have been less than ideal.

However, along the way, soylent’s formulation turned vegan (YAY NO MILK), and they started accepting international orders on their crowdfunding website. I have ordered 3 months worth through their initial campaign and Backerkit and am eagerly awaiting delivery, which should happen sometime in the next few months.

And on days like today I really wish it was here already.

In fact, not a day goes by where I don’t wish I had Soylent in my pantry and office drawer. I don’t like eating crap food on the days where I don’t make lunch. I like spending $$ on crap food even less. I hate feeling like crap most of all. I don’t want to let myself even have the option of making crappy food choices when I’m tired and hungry and stressed out and short on time.

So, all I want for Christmas (or soon after) is SOYYYYLLLENNNNNTTTTTT.

(and for everybody to be kind to one another).

Bad times one

5:43 am. Child not sleeping. crying in other room. husband has tried to put her back down repeatedly. I have already fed/sang her back to sleep twice this night too. Monday morning. One paper and poster due by thursday. Leaving for Mexico on Friday for an ill-timed destination wedding which my husband is in the wedding party for. Forget about the other paper. Still annotating data for paper 1. Complete and utter FML.

Today is my daughter’s first birthday.

There’s this cantonese saying that a fellow student described to me last week.
Translated, it goes something like

“Even dragon meat has no flavour”

It’s my daughter’s first birthday. I’m going to Mexico on Friday for a wedding.
These two very wonderful things that need wholehearted celebration are just dusted with toxic soot. 

In what twisted universe was doing grad school with a baby a good idea? In some miracle alternate universe where I have one of those happy go lucky babies that sleep and eat and don’t mind strange caretakers and don’t get sick seven times in 4 months and are just generally all around chill, and where I am superwoman and don’t need sleep and don’t get migraines and don’t get frazzled by anything. 

So that didn’t happen. I have a very intense, spirited child. I need sleep. I get migraines. I get frazzled, especially by all of the above. 

Happy, birthday, baby E. You are wonderful. Now go back to sleep, please. I need to get another hour of work done. 

…Choose to run deep inner peace circuitry…choose to run deep inner peace circuitry…

I’m not dealing well.

I am afraid of tragedy

I am afraid of tragedy.

I am afraid of tragedy.

Also, I had another migraine last night. Felt it coming on when the baby was put to bed around 9. Went to sleep with earplugs to try to kill the headache. Hubby woke me up at 11 when he came to bed. Migraine had turned into a full blown one, contrary to my hopes with the abortive sleeping attempt. Downed a Cambia and laid in bed, with every small toss and turn of hubby feeling like rough seas…prayed for the meds to kick before the nausea would inevitably cause vomiting. Fell asleep. At some unknown time afterwards, hubby woke me up again and asked how I was feeling, because the baby was very awake and inconsolable (unbeknownst to me…good earplugs). Nursed her in bed and everyone slept poorly until morning.

Baby is continuing her experimentation with plosives – /ba/, /be/ for words that start with b, especially “bird”, “bear”, and “baby”, and this morning she was saying /t/ and /d/ over and over again whilst just sitting in the bed. We think she has also mimicked “fish” and “nap” and “dog” (sounded a bit like /ot/), and she also says dada and mama though not always to the right person yet.

All the better to bite you with, my dear.

Tooth number 7 made its appearance yesterday.

No I didn’t get much sleep the night before because she was frequenting the 24 hour all-you-care-to-drink open bar.

No, I didn’t get any work done this long weekend, but thanks for asking

It was a wonderful weekend with the kiddo all to myself while hubby went galavanting in Vegas for the stag party of a good friend of ours.

We did circle craft twice and had lots of fun. Also discovered she is able to CLIMB things. Holy crap. I turned away for a second and suddenly she was sitting IN the stroller in the hallway. LOL!!! I caught it on video the second time she did it – it took her all of 5 seconds.

She is also practicing her voiced bilabial stops – /be/ and /ba/ for all the b words – bird, bear, baby, sometimes pointing too. Pointing everything, actually, and very specifically. Clapping. Smiling. Laughing. Pushing boundaries. Waving bye bye.

Putting/throwing things away (this is my FAVOURITE THING EVER) – she is now at the stage where she can put things away in their bins and throw things away. I give her her dirty diaper all wrapped up and open the garbage can and she drops it it and waves bye bye to it. It’s the cutest thing (AND SO PRODUCTIVE she’s finally doing something useful). She is extending this to putting things away – her books on the shelf, toys back into the bin… basically anything I ask her to “PUT AWAY”. Did i mention this is the best thing ever? Oh yeah. Best thing ever.

It was mostly wonderful.

The only horrible horrible thing (besides the sleep thing, but that’s a work in progress) is that all weekend, I was thinking about the work I had to get done and how undone it was, and how much more undone it was becoming every second I was not doing it. That really sucked. The weight of the work being more than the work, and really undoing the wonder and wonderfulness of every present moment as it passed, despite my best mindfulness efforts.

What a terrible way to live. I decided right then and there that next semester I am going to say no. No TA work. cutting back my RA contract. I want to be able to have time to enjoy things when I want to and need to enjoy them. I want to not be thinking about work all the time. I want to have the flexibility to get sick or not get sleep if that’s what happens, and have it not result in catastrophic (first world problems…global warming ack) consequences.

I want to not have a panic attack every time I think about work, basically.

I need to be able to rest.

Go. The. Fuck. To. Sleep.

If only this child could understand how difficult it’s going be to get two naps a day and a full night’s rest as an adult, maybe she wouldn’t complain so damned much about sleeping.

I’m exhausted and emotionally just done. Fried. And it’s not even noon yet. Good god.

Goodbye lactational amenorrhea

You were the best thing ever.

goodbye lactational amenorrhea...you were fun while you lasted.

goodbye lactational amenorrhea…you were fun while you lasted.

Phillips 2013 – On the nature of island constraints – the parasitic gap!

I’m presenting this paper in my graduate syntax class next week and I thought this was funny, so I drew it out.

From C. Phillips, 2013. On the nature of island constraints.

From C. Phillips, 2013. On the nature of island constraints.

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