OH, THE GUILT.

I feel so guilty, and absolutely ridiculous for feeling guilty, and absolutely ridiculous for feeling sorry for myself for feeling ridiculous for feeling guilty. Or something like that.

Nevertheless, I must unapologetically spew forth some quantity of digital ink in an effort to rid myself of the sprawling octopus on my face that is preventing me from getting work done.

I feel guilty for sleeping.
So much so that the dreams of my night-sweat, tortured, fragmented sleep consisted of nightmares, exclusively.

These nightmares included some very literally figurative scenarios where my professors were yelling at me for not getting work done.

Sigh.

Despite the very likely potential of this blog sounding like a recycling depot for sad, cracked vinyl, my situation, yet again, is this:

This February (essentially the past three weeks), my poor daughter has had:

1. A nasty fever/cold/cough (I got the same one – it knocked me out, energy-wise, for pretty much two whole weeks)
2. Stomach flu (not FLU, just several days of vomiting and diarrhea)
3. Oozy/sticky/yellow eye discharge (what daycare calls pinkeye, despite the whites of her eyes not really being pink)
4. Another cold/cough (yes, I got this one too…different from #1, and is the one that is currently causing me grief).
5. Four molars cutting through at the same time (she’s not an easy teether, but thankfully the top two just poked through – her top left just poked through this morning)

So she is truly miserable, I am miserable, and I am not getting any work done. I took two days off last week to take care of the non-daycare-admissible kiddo (my non-class get-shit-done work days!) and time off during reading week as well the week before. As it is currently Sunday, noon, I have one paper basically overdue (if not for the extension generously allotted by the professor) that must be handed in in <24 hours, and another one due in ~48 hours. The first one is not done yet, the second is not started yet.

As you can see, this is a bad situation.

But the main thing though, is that I feel guilty for sleeping instead of working…which is completely ridiculous. Common sense and all reasonable medical advice I’ve encountered since the mid-90s dictate that when one is sick with some sort of medicinally incurable, but self-limiting viral infection, the quickest route to recovery is plenty of fluids and rest.

Right?

So why do I feel guilty for sleeping? I absolutely need to sleep. Being too sick to properly take care of my kid during the daytime means I really need to sleep at night, right? And with the kiddo up screaming and/or nursing half the night, I really need to sleep when I can.

So I slept last night. And the night before. And the night before that.
Each night, feeling progressively more guilty for not waking up in the middle of the night to get at least SOME work done.

And haven’t really gotten any work done on these papers.

So I feel guilty for sleeping.

This is ridiculous.

And the work I am going to hand in is embarrassing.

Embarrassing does not feel particularly good, nor is embarrassing work good in any way.

As one of my classmates put it, February just sort of…exploded.

No kidding.

On the plus side, a 1 year old is WAY more fun (when she is feeling semi-well) than a fussy 0 year old. Also, I finally decided to seek treatment in January for longstanding depression that has over the past year just become a bit too much to deal with on my own with the added stressors of motherhood and grad school, and am generally feeling quite a bit better and am more able to be joyfully present and in the moment on a day-to-day basis. Despite the horror stories of the side effects of antidepressants, they’ve done only very good things for me so far, and I feel like it’s something I should have tried a long time ago. Also, my migraines are back to status-quo (a couple times a month, compared to last semester’s every day/every second day situation). So not everything is bad. Also, it’s snowing today and I’m feeling cozy even though I’m sick and stressed out.

Bad times one

5:43 am. Child not sleeping. crying in other room. husband has tried to put her back down repeatedly. I have already fed/sang her back to sleep twice this night too. Monday morning. One paper and poster due by thursday. Leaving for Mexico on Friday for an ill-timed destination wedding which my husband is in the wedding party for. Forget about the other paper. Still annotating data for paper 1. Complete and utter FML.

Today is my daughter’s first birthday.

There’s this cantonese saying that a fellow student described to me last week.
Translated, it goes something like

“Even dragon meat has no flavour”

It’s my daughter’s first birthday. I’m going to Mexico on Friday for a wedding.
These two very wonderful things that need wholehearted celebration are just dusted with toxic soot. 

In what twisted universe was doing grad school with a baby a good idea? In some miracle alternate universe where I have one of those happy go lucky babies that sleep and eat and don’t mind strange caretakers and don’t get sick seven times in 4 months and are just generally all around chill, and where I am superwoman and don’t need sleep and don’t get migraines and don’t get frazzled by anything. 

So that didn’t happen. I have a very intense, spirited child. I need sleep. I get migraines. I get frazzled, especially by all of the above. 

Happy, birthday, baby E. You are wonderful. Now go back to sleep, please. I need to get another hour of work done. 

…Choose to run deep inner peace circuitry…choose to run deep inner peace circuitry…

I’m not dealing well.

Go. The. Fuck. To. Sleep.

If only this child could understand how difficult it’s going be to get two naps a day and a full night’s rest as an adult, maybe she wouldn’t complain so damned much about sleeping.

I’m exhausted and emotionally just done. Fried. And it’s not even noon yet. Good god.

July 13, 2012 – Upon a Mid-Night Awakening

13 July 2012 2am upon a mid-night awakening

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray in dreams my soul will keep
And if I die before I wake
I pray my dreams will forever take
Me to nowhere land

Where never before
Have dreams come true
What is truly nonsense
Feels like nothing new

Where everything that ever was
Will stay that way
And foggy days seem
just yesterday

That sinking feeling falling
Freely backwards heels overhead
Oblivion a twitch too close
Reality a hair too real

Fend off the predators
Fall madly in love
Make the unlikeliest of friends
Or all of the above

Such that it can’t be true
I would never believe you.

Just synchronization
Of day and night
Dear, it is alright
Dear, it is all right.

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June 29, 2012 – Poisonous Sleep

6:00am

Now what? Awake again, another crazy dream, another gray morning. And reality is just so much paler than the conjurations of the overnighting mind. To be released finally: a relief. The hangover: a reality. I feel like shit, as if the sleep had poisoned my blood, leaded vapors permeating my precious blood brain barrier.

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