Ah, my darling.

Ah my darling girl. 10.5 months old now.

I fell asleep for a few minutes on the loveseat this afternoon because the girl had been up and down all night and nursing and kicking and crying and generally being VERY awake when i did not want to be and then I had woken up with a migraine (4th in last 7 days!!!) and was not in good shape at all, emotionally, or physically.

She was surprisingly quiet, after a full day of being very whiny at everything, which is why I dozed off. I assumed she was into her toys on the living room floor right beside me.

I woke up when my husband got home from his football game. He asked if she had gotten into the paper because there were bits all over her. I said yes, she knocked over the (unplugged!) paper shredder this morning in the office but I cleaned up most of it.

Then I sat up, and commenced laughing. A good full belly laugh. And then baby E laughed back at me. And then we laughed at each other, each making the other laugh harder.

Yes, she had gotten into the paper, and then she had gotten the paper out.

Two full boxes of kleenex had been gutted in the snowstorm.

June 29, 2012 – Poisonous Sleep


Now what? Awake again, another crazy dream, another gray morning. And reality is just so much paler than the conjurations of the overnighting mind. To be released finally: a relief. The hangover: a reality. I feel like shit, as if the sleep had poisoned my blood, leaded vapors permeating my precious blood brain barrier.


June 24, 2012 – The Quickening


The storm outside has passed and so has the one in my head. The lightning, gone. Blissful awakening, pain free. Revelatory dreams, had. Peace, acquired. It is the witching hour, and so the dawn chorus begins again.

My heart quickens, I will meet you soon. I feel when you are awake, I know when you’re in love. I don’t know you but you know me, so intimately that it terrifies me. Who are we, one, or two? Where do we go from here, this me and you? Our bloods intertwine, my every breath gives you life, and I am stunned every time you touch me. You are funny looking but your heart is beautiful and I can’t wait to meet you and look deep into your eyes and see your soul and suddenly i will be compelled to tell you exactly what I think of you. Goodnight, my love, for now we sleep. Together. Tonight. Not for long, but for now.


June 20, 2012 – Where Have You Gone?


Where have you gone?

I looked and you weren’t there. My dark side, my other self. There’s a gaping hole where you once were but there is no wound, just more like an empty socket. Like you just crumbled into dust one day and suddenly fell away. And in its place a sudden wellspring of love and positivity that just keeps bubbling all hours of the day and night. I see everyone for their best intentions, I see the good in everyone. Unencumbered by stress, sadness, anger, despair, resentment, pain… That’s also true. Suddenly i am pain free. Perhaps that is part of the miracle I don’t understand. Happy. All the time. Like a shift in equilibrium. The thermostat’s at a different setting. Not ruffled by much. The only tears I’ve shed in recent memory are those of happiness or upon encountering beautiful tragedy.

So this is what it’s like to be happy. it’s so new and unfamiliar and I hope the feeling lasts forever.

I want the best for you and you and you and even if I don’t really like you I want you to be genuinely happy

I don’t understand what’s going on but I’m here for the ride. Life, take me where you may.


March 15, 2012 – More Trapezery

March 15, 2012 | Trapeze Hands

March 15, 2012 | Trapeze Hands

Thus ends another thursday. Another headache, another awesome trapeze day. I don’t know what it is about thursdays that causes migraines! It hit me during my IAT 380 Sound design lecture in the middle of our quiz. And suddenly I couldn’t think. Oh well. Managed to slip out of class to go get my trusty advil, then squinted at the overhead projector while pushing on my left brow ridge to numb the sting, and by the time it was time to leave for trapeze, it had dulled down to a manageable level.

Yes, that photo is of my trapeze hands. Today was the first day I had blisters pop! And more than one, too! Yummy. (eew.) And I don’t really know how to tape up my hands, so this is how they ended up. Worked okay for the most part. The edges roll up and get sticky but it wasn’t too bad.

GODDAMNED KNEE HANG on swinging trapeze. It’s supposed to be like the easiest thing ever but yet i screw it up every week. this week i fell straight into an ankle hang instead. ha.

anyway, sleep. sleep. sleep. now. i want dark, dreamless, quiet, sleep. Which has been hard to come by lately. Some terrific and very wild dreams, but I get so much adventuring done during the night that I wake up exhausted. Perhaps tonight will be the night I won’t dream at all.

March 8, 2012 – 2nd Half Redemption

The second half of today redeemed the first half. Most definitely.

Woke up with that vague neck/headache that often foreshadows a migraine. Couldn’t focus. Had that ‘so tired my limbs are going to fall off’ feeling. Showered. Did breakfast. Went back to bed. Read a little bit. Then slept. And I think I must have been trying to scream in my dreams because I woke up with a sore throat of not the sick kind. Huh.

Managed to find some clothes that didn’t match, left the house with no socks and no sweater on top of my tank, beneath my coat.

This is where it gets good.

Got to my class (lab) in surrey. Checked my email. Found out I got the VPR USRA (vice president research undergrad student research award…or something like that) for summer 2012. Which means I’m going to be making some money doing useful stuff over the summer. Which is excellent.

Went shopping at the surrey mall between classes to find some kind of covering shirt because my tank top only thing was ridiculous. Ended up finding an awesome $7 shirt at sirens. one of those loose flowy shirts that’s super loose yet immediately elegant and comfy. Good find.

Went to lecture. They showed my project 2 in sound design class critique as one of the good ones. Highly embarassing and unexpected, but awesome. Although in my opinion that project deserves no more than 12/15 …being generous.

Went to circus. Headache still present. Bought Advil. Took Advil. Bliss ensued.

Static trapeze coach started me on The aerial hoop tonight (thus far i’ve only been on the trapeze) with the Ovo, man on the moon, and two variations on the mermaid. Also learned the inverted planche and straddle mount (as opposed to the pike) on static. Awesome.

Then swinging trapeze class! Coach gave us horse wraps (padding for our feet!) which turned out to be incredibly awesome! No more random rope burns from ankle hangs! Apparently got the jitters out of my system in static class, so swinging was a lot less tense and sweaty than it usually is. Got my hop off on the first try, and learned the full angel sequence. Also worked on releasing into my knee hang because I fell off (we’re harnessed so no biggie) doing it in my first class and since then I’ve had issues letting go (haha)

Then trekked up the hill to SFU Burnaby for the Rowing Team’s no pants pub night.:) gave $10 instead of $5 at the front door…with the caveat that nobody would try to twist my rubber arm into drinking…(once I start it’s kind of hard to stop) and so stuck with my diet coke and lime. Which is super awesome because I’m going to be totally functional and less fat (so many calories in alcohol) tomorrow!

And now because I’m home and decently caffeinated and well socialized and adrenalized from all that trapezery and headache free to boot, I’m going to go work through a bunch of MAX/MSP tutorials and try to figure out how the hell I’m going to build my final project for sound design class.

12:27am. It has been a really good day, even if the first half of it was wasted feeling ill. This rambling post has been brought to you by WordPress for iPhone.

Feb 19, 2012 – Womanism is Confusing and Traumatic

Womanism is confusing and traumatic.

In this quest to decrease the incidence of migraine, I am now off hormonal birth control.

Ovulation was weird.
Retaining water is weird.
Now I am super hungry and unable to stick to my diet.

Woke up with a vague fuzzy head/neck ache today.

Dreamt like crazy: at a random stuff exchange, I traded for a personal rain machine, which was voted the most useless invention of the year but one I thought was pretty awesome. When was the last time you really enjoyed a good drenching cold rain? I never do, but in this dream I did. I really did. I destroyed other people’s electronics, flooded every room I was in, and had a grand old time.

Couldn’t get out of bed till 11am.

It didn’t go away and just got worse.
Finally decided to cut it with 2XS Advil in the afternoon.
This time it worked. Thank goodness.

My limbs feel so heavy like they’re about to fall off.

And the whole super emotionally sensitive crying at stuff thing is starting.

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